In search of answers

They say that once you leave, you can never go back. And that’s true, in a way. It’s not that you can’t go back to wherever you have always been; it’s just that it’s changed -- mostly because you weren’t there.

My summer has been the slow realization of that truth.

For the first couple of weeks, I was simply delighted to be home. It was great to go places and to be told me by virtually everyone how delighted they were that I was home. And I agreed, it was great to be back.

After a while, in a nebulous kind of way, I lost my direction. It wasn’t so much that I wasn’t still happy to be here, but there was a recognition that no one really “needed” me to be here. I found myself a bit superfluous to my own life.

Confusion racked my consciousness. Questions arose. Why was I limiting my educational experience to be in a place where it was not necessary for me to be? What did I think I had to offer when, in actuality, people were doing really fine without me?

When I received the news that my aunt in California had three to ten months to live, I researched going back to Berkeley. I thought about how much easier it would be to simply sit in classes and do what I was told to do. Fortunately, there was no room in the dorm. There was no alternative but to make my way through the confusion.

I contemplated taking a break from my education.

And even as I decided that a leave of absence might be the best choice, I took steps that brought me closer to understanding “fieldwork” in the Upper Delaware.

It’s all a bit awkward. There’s no one who really needs me to do anything, in one sense of the word, except me. I need to be taking positive steps that might serve to add meaning to our world. I need to be a productive student of life, engaging in real lessons that promote my learning about community, commitment and our relationship to each other and our greater world.

No one is asking me to contribute; no one is pressing me to be a part of the solution. Maybe that’s part of the problem. Or maybe it’s the answer.

I ask myself who is responsible for community; that essential ingredient that gives our lives their point. And I come to the conclusion that it’s all of us. For better or for worse, it is in this arena that I will find my education and, hopefully, my life’s fulfillment.